Opening Dialogue

I dialogue with books. No, silly, not out loud. Though, I suppose if you were in ear shot, and I thought you might be interested, I'd probably say things to you. But as I read theology books and the like, I think of things, jot them in the margins, etc. I know I'm not unique in this and I've done it for a long time. It's also why I refuse to underline and write in books with ink -- has to be a mechanical pencil.

So yesterday I got through the intro of Rita Gross' Soaring and Settling, underlining a few key passages and topic points, and started on the first chapter. I didn't get very far, honestly.

Here's why. My brain started firing over the little things, and instead of writing in the margins I wanted a legal pad or something to jot down my thoughts because they seemed more expansive. Without the book in front of me, I am loathe to get too involved, but in essence my thoughts were this:

She refers to herself as a scholar-practitioner, and how in current theological academic atmosphere such a thing is very rare, rather frowned upon, and in her words, almost anathema. Granted, she is operating out of her uniquely Buddhist perspective, but on the heels of my recent journies, I found this puzzling, at least from the Christian side.

Indeed, it seems to me that Christian scholars are deemed uniquely UNchristian if they are not "practitioners;" that to be a practitioner is a necessary component of being respected or taken seriously. What good "Christian" would give the time of day to a "Christian" theologian who didn't go to church?

Which, ironically, is precisely what I'm sort of aiming to do right now. No, no I haven't given up on church forever, but I certainly wish to launch back into my theological musings from a Christian perspective. On the other hand, I have no allusions that many of my acquaintances would consider me solidly center Christian -- sometimes I wonder if I'm even far left Christian, but that's an exaggeration, even to me. I certainly have my doubts, my trepidations -- we all have our mental footnotes about what we mean and think when we say certain common beliefs.

Side note: "Christian" it seems has become a rather pejorative, over-wrought, too broadly applied vocabulary word. I am inwardly cringing a little every time I write it. See what I mean about that last paragraph? lol.

Maybe I could use the word Lutheran, but that seems too narrowly defined for what and how I want to speak to the world. Christian does too, actually, in some sense, but I cannot throw off that particular mantle all together. No, Christian I am irregardless of my mental footnotes and qualms. I think. lol.

Which reminds me, I need to explore farther my idea/ponderings about participation and yearning -- which Paul B. so bluntly reminded me is decidedly un-Lutheran. Blah. *Sigh* How is anyone supposed to contribute anything new to this mess without contradicting their own traditions or offending others? Perhaps one can't. What fun! :P

Okay, that got way more rambly than I anticipated. Maybe I should stick to legal pads. :)

Another day, another ponder.

It's one of those aggravatingly slow days at work - with the addition of my boss illegally smoking in his office juxtaposed against the tantalizingly fresh, warm, spring air on the other side of the screen. Unfortunately there's not enough breeze to rescue me.

I've spent part of my afternoon revisiting grad school search websites, attempting to broaden the scope of programs to which I might apply. But 'theology' and 'religious studies' masters are so broad and so frustratingly long-listed with schools that I inwardly groan and want to bang my head on the desk. (I'd outwardly groan, but that would probably give away the fact that I'm not actually "working" - ha!) I guess environmental theology and ethics isn't a common sub-speciality. :P Figures. But wading through so many options seems unnecessarily time consuming and overwhelming fruitless.

So I return to what I know. I keep bouncing back and forth between preferring the program at Green Bay because it's only two years and then I can move on to theology more quickly, and Indiana because I can possibly craft a degree that includes a little theology and ethics on the side, but would take me longer to complete. My mother is right, I am going to be in school forever. But I can't help it. Two Masters and a PhD sounds really damn appealing. :P And accomplished. And totally befitting my level of geekdom. LOL.

As I drove through our neighborhood yesterday, I even had the urge to walk to the Lutheran church just down the street this coming Sunday. (Jim would be so proud. lol.) I was even kind of excited about that ...until I realized it's Mother's Day and I plan to drive home for the weekend. St Peter's doesn't feel nearly so appealing after the disaster of an Easter sermon/service. *facepalm*

And I'm trying not to unnecessarily burden myself with guilt over what I haven't accomplished already since this most recent shift in my foundations. (I almost put "shaking of my foundations," but it sounded too much like the title of Tillich's book, and I went "oo, there's another one I need to read" and it distracted me. See? TOTAL nerd. But I digress...)

I haven't started studying for my GRE, I haven't continued reading Rita Gross' "Soaring and Settling" (Buddhist theological reflections) that I picked up off the shelf the other day, and I haven't requested/started dialogues with my two preferred grad programs yet. But it's only been two weeks since this whole new evolving process started, I tell myself. Because if I start burying myself in those things, I'll never find enough motivation or gather enough momentum to get everything accomplished.

But that's enough for this post. Ta for now!