restless nights and recuperative days

I need to stay out of my head sometimes. My bad habit, when my brain won't shut down, is to numb it with exhaustion through sleep deprivation. I stay awake all night (or try), surviving on a mere handful hours of sleep, which leaves me to wake with the queasy, groggy feelings strangely reminiscent of an overly alcoholic night before.

Luckily it appears I've gotten much better about talking myself out of emotional funks. Caffeine, sunshine, food, and Enter the Haggis on iTunes helps, too. Though I am still in the weird head- and heart- space of untangling emotions and faith, loneliness from yearning spirit, and grief from gift. My always-processing brain made a few realizations last night and this morning, interspersed throughout the nagging doubts and personal insecurities lurking underneath the skin - though blessedly deeper and deeper as time goes on.

1) I need to drink less caffeine and sugar and get more exercise. Though last night's emotional wrestling match could not have been caffeine driven, falling into an exhausted stupor at 3am or later and waking around 7am to finish homework does not a productive running schedule make. I should take a page from Mr. Stebbins and put all these things behind me on the road. The feet could certainly use the effort and the mind the solace.

2) Though I am pursuing what I wish, this semester is full of classes I am less than thrilled about. Very little of my time is spent engaged in reading or research or writing which piques my interest and makes me squeak in delight from time to time. This could also be remedied by diving back into my thesis, but since that topic, too, is yet again in question... *sigh* That's not the whole of it, either. Half of my classes are solely with undergraduate students and my interaction with my graduate colleagues and buddies are too infrequent.

3) Which brings me to a good-naturedly fist shake at new Andy for asking me if I get lonely. At the time (good grief, was that only yesterday? Seems like ages ago.) I told him, not particularly. Because this experience is exponentially better than the last, the friends already made steady and sure, willing to drag me out of my comfort zone for nights of dancing out on the town in "good boob shirts" and the like. :) But I guess at the heart of things, I suppose that's always true. I will always take more time with people I enjoy. I am always disappointed at the departure, regardless of length of time spent. I am always lonely, but some of the dull, persistent aches of the soul are so familiar now that they are easily boxed away and ignored. Until I'm confronted with them all over again by the brain-worm that is a simple question like "Do you get lonely?"

Because damn, it felt an awful lot like loneliness that I struggled through again last night. It was all real emotion, reaction, but driving to school today I poked holes in my own false theories of "woe is me," emotions elicited by sneaky strawmen. Yeah, yeah. I get lonely. Almost everyone does. My cats are definitely part of the solution; I am grateful for them every day. (Finnegan is currently stretched out along the length of my leg, front paws curled over my knees, purring.) But it is not, I decided, an issue of mere loneliness, but something deeper. Not a sense of isolation or lack of social interaction, because for the most part I have those things, more so than I have in other phases of my life, but a yearning to be needed, a desire to be some sort of priority in others' lives like they are in mine.

It's perhaps a fine and delicate distinction at times, but for some reason it gave me clarity.

...diverging from that topic, I reread some of my older posts and was struck by the clarity and articulateness of my own thought processes regarding theology. I particularly like the post where my dialog with a book turned into a blog post. I'm considering maybe a chapter-a-day type posting process -- or maybe a chapter as I get it read thrown into the mix.

Oh, and the last realization I made, before I go for some much-needed rest: I am looking forward to attending church this week, to the tune of an expectant "Is it Sunday yet?" feeling. Interesting.

Cheers.