Procrastinatory Activities

Yesterday the morning left me stressed and feeling a bit frantic. Between the frustrations of work, the anxiety of graduate school applications and the multi-layered distracting sounds of the office, I came home at lunch uncommonly tightly wound. The afternoon fared better, the evening turned to a few small household chores, but the ambition I'd felt earlier to crack down on the last few remaining pieces of my applications took a critical, and finally fatal, hit.

Which seems to be the theme of the month. Oh indeed I'm making progress. I knocked out the entirety of my Indiana University application the day I spent at Luther. Granted, it was a small scratch on the surface of what I'd wanted to accomplish, but it's no surprise that everything is taking far longer than I think it will. I'm out of time-management and time-it-takes approximating practice.

That being said, my progress is stunted by premature celebratory breaks. Or maybe they're necessary breaks, it's hard for me to say. I'll be very productive one night and then think "oh, I've got plenty of time to finish the rest later." The Olympics are not helping. :) A fine thing to cheer on the athletes, to be sure, but not at the expense of a much needed, much anticipated, long overdue return to graduate school.

The other piece is that I hesitate at the bulk and challenge of the applications. It took me so long to start because I kept considering all the pieces and essays and information needed as a whole. Instead of sitting down and writing out a list of the small tasks and tackling them one by one, I strategized internally and my confidence waned. And even now I waffle between productivity and stagnancy, commitment and apathy. A residual effect of my long healing process, I'm sure, but it's frustrating and somewhat depressing.

Actually, the only thing missing from my actual admission applications are my recommendation letters. I heard from one writer of such that he intends to get to them "sometime next week" (!). They're due a week from Monday! It's my own fault they're swamped and the letters will be sent down to the wire because I sent them so late, but that doesn't make my anxiety any less. Oh, sure I can still get IN to school, but the chances of me getting a graduate assistantship to ease the burden of payment without meeting the deadline is virtually nil.


That tiny little voice is also starting to chatter about my inability to get into graduate school at all. Which is total baloney. I'm awesome! But my current ability to maintain efficient motivation gnaws at my ego. Can I hack it? Or will I crumble under the strain? Then there's the intent concentration with which I watched PBS' "Nature" Sunday night - an episode titled "In the Valley of the Wolves" about the Yellowstone Druid pack - and I know I'm still as enthralled with the topic as ever. Where do I sign up to spend 300 days a year out in the field filming wolves?! :P

So I soldier on, one small task at a time, the minutes and hours and days escaping rapidly. These past four years are time I cannot get back. Yet even now, they seem to evaporate into inconsequence, as if they never truly existed. As I regain my footing, as I return to what Pastor Fred Rilling named "the land of the living," as I bungee back together all the fragmented pieces of who I really am, I feel like I am fresh out of Luther once again, with all the potential and possibilities and positive expectations rolling out before me.