Endless Wednesday

Blargh.

This week feels like it's been about 10 days long already, and it's only halfway through Wednesday. I feel drained when I need to be focused, preoccupied when I need to be driven.

I've been laying my heart on the line all week, writing emails and letters, sending friend requests and short little questions via facebook messaging... and I've got no feedback. Not a peep. I realize, yes, that it is only Wednesday after all. Three of my correspondences, for my rec letters, didn't even reach their destinations until today, if not tomorrow. But the waiting and anticipation is the worst. I sit on the couch and will someone to call, hoping the phone will ring. Which hasn't worked yet, obviously.

I miss Luther. I miss several specific friends who are too far away and with whom I haven't had coffee in too long. God's tugging at my heart again. I need some pastoral care, but am not sure where to turn. Part of me is contemplating a weekend in the Luther library to work on my grad school stuff, and maybe from there go to church at a dear friend's congregation in Rochester, MN -- but I only really want to go if he's preaching. I need him to preach to me, for I need to hear grace.

I know I can go hear many pastors preach, good pastors, good Lutheran grace-filled pastors, in a whole host of places closer than where he is. But it is like being called home. To reset myself, I need the familiar, the friendly, to go back to where I was once whole so I can feel that confidence and faith and goodness. I don't want to revert back to then, just to be reminded, to be refreshed. Maybe that doesn't make any sense to anyone but me.

Last night I took a bubble bath, lit some candles, cracked open an alcoholic beverage or two and put some music on. I needed a good cry, but by the time I made it into the tub, was more in just a relaxing mode. Until Casting Crowns, "Here I Go Again" came on and I thought about the former boss/friend who's quit speaking to me entirely and won't even accept a facebook friend request -- and all the emotion of the past few weeks started to leak out through my eyes. But it was a very short cry, because even though I need it, couldn't sustain it. I dunno.

Father, hear my prayer / I need the perfect words / words that he will hear / and know they're straight from you / I don't know what to say / I only know it hurts / to watch my only friend / slowly fade away

So maybe this time / I'll speak the words of Life / with Your fire in my eyes / But those old familiar fears / are tearing at my words / What am I so afraid of? / Here I go again.