Me, Myself and Theology part 2

Finally. Part 2!

Except I've long forgotten what part 2 was supposed to be about. But it's my blog, so keep your judgmental thoughts to yourself! If they're merely curious thoughts, feel free to share. :)

During a conversation with a friend last night (yay, the phone finally rang!) I was told of my return to church plan and general spiritual stirrings: "Just don't do any theological heavy lifting just yet." My first response was a light-hearted "Why not?!"

On the one hand, I understand the point. I've been apart from church for a long time. I acknowledge that in the process of return to actual ritual and worship, I must be careful not to overdose too early, to not crack the fragile vulnerabilities. Yet this does not, now that I ponder it, feel fragile. Slow and developing, yes. And a bit tempestuous. Insistent.

However, as the content of this blog attests, I've never been totally separated from the theological musings part of myself. I can't be, because such a woman does not exist. Mostly, they just rattle around in my brain, nebulous.

Furthermore, the theology was never the problem. I've never been crushed in my pursuit of academics or theology, but in pursuit of ministry. Grad school kept getting postponed because my sense of call, my confidence and trust in myself to make the right decision about the right program about the right school - was shattered, then crushed, then melted down and buried. Sure, I might be unsure or disagree or have unfixed opinions on some things, but theology is not made me stop going to church. Theologizing is what keeps me sane amidst the chaos -- in CPE my life was chaos but I put myself in a position to learn and to keep being challenged by my peer group. Granted, at the time I had a more difficult time differentiating theologizing from spiritual needs, but that's always been one of my tangles.

No, theological heavy lifting is not what I need to avoid. I've not been immersed in it because I've been avoiding all things LSTC and church and theology by nature are all sort of linked together (duh). So yes, I must move slowly. I must take care how I approach re-entering the world of church and liturgy and adult forums and being a member of that community. But if I am to succeed, it will be partially through my theological heavy lifting and not because I am shying from it.