..oh where to begin...

The other night I laid awake way too long, contemplating things I cannot change and wrestling with emotions that caught me off guard, albeit familiar. And for the first time in a very long time, pondered who in my life I could turn to at 1:30am in the morning if necessary. It made me reminisce about dorm rooms and lack of distance and day jobs, where you could pad down the hallway in your pajamas and knock on a door.

I am back in a grad school log jam, lacking a lead advisor only months ahead of when I am supposed to graduate with a Masters degree. As frustrating as that is, it's not occupying my brain like other things (though it probably should be). Looking forward, what next? Do I attempt to find full time work with the experience of my degree? Do I pursue more school? Right now the University of Toronto appeals to me, for their interdisciplinary program and guarantee to help fund doctoral students. It might be the best place to apply to a doctoral program and be able to sell myself well enough to get in. If I want to go the Ethics route -- which recently, I've realized, I do, I really do. I like the applied ethics thing -- it's through a religion route or through a philosophy route, the latter definitely requiring another Masters degree. The former may or may not necessitate another Masters degree, though according to the University of Toronto, they do not equate an M.Div to an M.A. in Religion... so...

I'm not against a Masters, per se, but my inability to find decent work while pursuing this one makes me queasy to take on more debt. But what's the alternative? Granted, I don't have to figure it out this year - I can get this degree and see what's out there, but with the economic downturn and budgets shrinking, what, really, are my options? I'm not entirely sure. But I should probably focus on the problem at hand: finishing the Masters program I'm already in.

In other news, I am happily attending the local Lutheran church here in Denmark, WI. Ran into the new pastor and his wife at the local coffee shop a few weeks ago ago. Even though I've only talked to him three times and gone to his church twice, I feel like I've known him for a lot longer. The church seems familiar and welcoming and already other congregants greet me and pat the neighboring chair for me to sit down during coffee hour. Can't complain. I'm even scheduled to provide some baked goods for their fall festival and silent auction on October 9th. So in my late night contemplations, I thought about sending an email and asking him if we could chat one-on-one... but today when I pulled up his email address, I hesitated and second guessed myself. Too soon, I thought to myself, too pushy, too forward. Which is nonsense, but there goes the old familiar emotional insecurities.

This day is crawling by - probably because I'm procrastinating my productivity. I should remedy that. Ta for now.