I hate boundaries.

I understand the concept of boundaries and I even recognize their utility. But the word, in its association with ministry and relationships, etc just drives me mad. I hate the word boundaries. Yes, it has everything to do with my experience at LSTC and thus is a dark and pejorative word in my vocabulary.

Last week's gospel message was to love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul and mind and to love your neighbor as yourself. I had a discussion with a friend around this, regarding whether this means God calls us to a simple, deeper morality or into some completely different reality. I posited that it wasn't either/or but both, and that it is a deep morality, completely different from what we typically experience which at its heart is as simple as what the passage commands. Often it is difficult to do because we complicate it through our own humanity; we think too hard, we rationalize, we obfuscate, we deflect; to avoid the intensity and uncomfortable choices, we make things shallow.

And though there are times when designating specific boundaries and parameters is necessary, often they obfuscate what should be much more simple. I ran into the blurring and defining of boundaries this morning once again. Several hours later, I'm still agitated about the encounter. Agitated with myself, agitated with my friend, agitated with the whole damn mess. I wouldn't even be sitting here in class if we didn't have a midterm on Thursday. Life is too layered with shades of gray sometimes for the clear and distinct boundaries we try to wrap everything in. These wee little boxes into which we try to shove everybody, the assumptions about context and needs and wants we project onto others.

Gnarr! That's what I say, gnarr!

restless nights and recuperative days

I need to stay out of my head sometimes. My bad habit, when my brain won't shut down, is to numb it with exhaustion through sleep deprivation. I stay awake all night (or try), surviving on a mere handful hours of sleep, which leaves me to wake with the queasy, groggy feelings strangely reminiscent of an overly alcoholic night before.

Luckily it appears I've gotten much better about talking myself out of emotional funks. Caffeine, sunshine, food, and Enter the Haggis on iTunes helps, too. Though I am still in the weird head- and heart- space of untangling emotions and faith, loneliness from yearning spirit, and grief from gift. My always-processing brain made a few realizations last night and this morning, interspersed throughout the nagging doubts and personal insecurities lurking underneath the skin - though blessedly deeper and deeper as time goes on.

1) I need to drink less caffeine and sugar and get more exercise. Though last night's emotional wrestling match could not have been caffeine driven, falling into an exhausted stupor at 3am or later and waking around 7am to finish homework does not a productive running schedule make. I should take a page from Mr. Stebbins and put all these things behind me on the road. The feet could certainly use the effort and the mind the solace.

2) Though I am pursuing what I wish, this semester is full of classes I am less than thrilled about. Very little of my time is spent engaged in reading or research or writing which piques my interest and makes me squeak in delight from time to time. This could also be remedied by diving back into my thesis, but since that topic, too, is yet again in question... *sigh* That's not the whole of it, either. Half of my classes are solely with undergraduate students and my interaction with my graduate colleagues and buddies are too infrequent.

3) Which brings me to a good-naturedly fist shake at new Andy for asking me if I get lonely. At the time (good grief, was that only yesterday? Seems like ages ago.) I told him, not particularly. Because this experience is exponentially better than the last, the friends already made steady and sure, willing to drag me out of my comfort zone for nights of dancing out on the town in "good boob shirts" and the like. :) But I guess at the heart of things, I suppose that's always true. I will always take more time with people I enjoy. I am always disappointed at the departure, regardless of length of time spent. I am always lonely, but some of the dull, persistent aches of the soul are so familiar now that they are easily boxed away and ignored. Until I'm confronted with them all over again by the brain-worm that is a simple question like "Do you get lonely?"

Because damn, it felt an awful lot like loneliness that I struggled through again last night. It was all real emotion, reaction, but driving to school today I poked holes in my own false theories of "woe is me," emotions elicited by sneaky strawmen. Yeah, yeah. I get lonely. Almost everyone does. My cats are definitely part of the solution; I am grateful for them every day. (Finnegan is currently stretched out along the length of my leg, front paws curled over my knees, purring.) But it is not, I decided, an issue of mere loneliness, but something deeper. Not a sense of isolation or lack of social interaction, because for the most part I have those things, more so than I have in other phases of my life, but a yearning to be needed, a desire to be some sort of priority in others' lives like they are in mine.

It's perhaps a fine and delicate distinction at times, but for some reason it gave me clarity.

...diverging from that topic, I reread some of my older posts and was struck by the clarity and articulateness of my own thought processes regarding theology. I particularly like the post where my dialog with a book turned into a blog post. I'm considering maybe a chapter-a-day type posting process -- or maybe a chapter as I get it read thrown into the mix.

Oh, and the last realization I made, before I go for some much-needed rest: I am looking forward to attending church this week, to the tune of an expectant "Is it Sunday yet?" feeling. Interesting.

Cheers.

the continuing mysteries of life

I used to trust the general movement of my life toward good, maybe naively so. Maybe we refer to it as call or vocation or the right direction. Most of us chalk it up to a sense of "where we're supposed to be." But that trust was shaken many years ago. I've grown threw a lot of the pain, but not all of it. There are scars that will not fully fade. It took far more courage that I care to think about, and the tragic death of a friend, to return me to a willingness to discern what that path might actually be. The older we get, the more people we know, the more complex our lives become the harder the transitions and the less spontaneous our choices. Well, at least for most of us.

Am I "supposed" to be here, in this circumstance, in this situation, in this environment? Maybe, maybe not. But here I am and I'm doing my best to make the most of it. Maybe that's all any of us can ever hope for. But at the same time, that's not the whole of the story either. This seems like a transition, too, for surely the story is still in progress, the tale still unfolding, a life not complete. I'm not married, I don't have kids... not that those things are in and of themselves representative of a complete life in my eyes. But I find myself thinking more and more about them these days.

I spent a good 2 1/2 hours today rehashing some of my history and background, pains and joys and gifts, with a new friend today. The mystery of life, as we mutually agreed to, is in the almost instant sense of kindred connection, or familiarity and trust we felt with each other when we met several weeks ago. What is about one seemingly coincidental moment with another life that can draw the two of you together? I love his version, "I'm not always so nuts about running around and saying that God has made something happen simply because I say so." Each of us wanted to know the other more deeply, and both of us described it as "weird."

To me, liking someone almost instantly, wanting to know more about them, loving them, being attached to them, is obviously not new. That's part and parcel of who I am. Infinite heart space, with breadth and varieties of love for others that amazes even me sometimes. But the sense of familiarity, of having known him for much longer, especially when the experience was mutual was very strange. Not long after I met this guy, this friend, this kindred spirit... this pastor, I spent a night unable to sleep grieving lost friends, distance from current friends, inadequacies and errors and failures in relationships and all sorts of things. But it's more than that. It's also the ache of not being able to know them more, participate in their lives more, love them more. Because unfortunately, I can't be one without the other. I can't bear the gift of carrying the love of all these amazing people around with me and not bear the cross of grieving the lack of connection, whatever that might be.

I truly believe this is one of my gifts. I have to. Because to consider it any other way is to live a life chained to loneliness and being misunderstood and depression. Because most people don't get it. We're in a culture that is too disjointed and separate and individualistic, with set rules and structures and expectations to let in the joy of really loving people. Oh, we love a few. Family, close friends, spouses and children and whatnot. But for most people the list is really short. But it breaks my heart to think of all the people I want to know more and can't, whose lives I want to participate in more but can't, the dozens or hundreds of hugs I could give them. There are people I haven't seen in years, who can't remember or don't remember even who I am. And in them I find delight.

First, I can't be in more than one place at a time. Second, you can't participate in other people's lives without their permission. So I wonder about these things, this great mystery. And though we can never fathom God or what God feels and yadda yadda yadda. But if this is my spiritual gift, than how much more is it true for God. I know it's very "unlutheran" of me to speak of "letting God in" or "asking God in" or what have you, but for me its a reality and therefore an important faith question. I somewhat envision God following each and every individual and grieving the inability to participate in their lives because of not being "let in." Yes, I realize that God is supposedly omnipresent. Yes, I realize that God doesn't necessarily need "permission." But it's not permission so much as acceptance, maybe. I don't know. I need to study it more theologically, but maybe at its heart this is what people are striving to explain with all the gobbledygook about "accepting God."


..but, I digress. That whole train of thought kind of ran away with me there for a moment. I didn't necessarily get the connection between meeting him and the sleepless night and mild emotional funk that followed. But I knew I felt the urge to talk to him. And I realized that though this current graduate experience is SO much better than the one I had in seminary, that I've found some like-minded individuals in the sciences, that's not quite enough. I'm missing that faith piece, those friends who I can discuss not only the impacts of environmental policy and the ecology of wetlands, but that we can discuss it also in terms of Creation and faithful stewardship and the like. The initial research into future graduate programs focusing on religion and ethics is probably no coincidence either, which brings me right back to another process, another transition, another discernment of call and vocation and sense of where I belong.

So I had a long conversation with a pastor friend, and it was soul-warming to have someone objectively observe and remind me of the depth of faith I portray, of my understanding of the complexities of faith and love and people. Allies are few and far between, so I take heart and joy in the gift of them. One Andy, years ago, convinced me of the gift that is my love. And now another Andy journeys with me. I call that a good day.

Motivation Fail

I need employment. Mostly because I need to get out of the house. That and I need something more to do than just school work, because even though there is plenty to do, I find myself putting it off because I can, and precious hours and days go by with nary a productive moment. Weekends especially. My grand scheme for the weekend became lots of internet and football watching.

Though this morning I did wake stuffed up, with the distinct impression I might be coming down with something. Oh joy, won't that make life easier? :P Though I will admit I'm in a slight (and I do mean slight) emotional funk, weighed down with the various who-has and whatnots already elaborated on previously. So, motivation fail. I need to stop rationalizing my procrastination and just get off my ass about the homework. And really, it's not even not getting done. Everything's getting done, but I had planned and intended to be a gunner this semester and get ahead of the ball, not just roll with the inevitable necessity of the deadlines.

Well, tomorrow is another day and I can try again.

..oh where to begin...

The other night I laid awake way too long, contemplating things I cannot change and wrestling with emotions that caught me off guard, albeit familiar. And for the first time in a very long time, pondered who in my life I could turn to at 1:30am in the morning if necessary. It made me reminisce about dorm rooms and lack of distance and day jobs, where you could pad down the hallway in your pajamas and knock on a door.

I am back in a grad school log jam, lacking a lead advisor only months ahead of when I am supposed to graduate with a Masters degree. As frustrating as that is, it's not occupying my brain like other things (though it probably should be). Looking forward, what next? Do I attempt to find full time work with the experience of my degree? Do I pursue more school? Right now the University of Toronto appeals to me, for their interdisciplinary program and guarantee to help fund doctoral students. It might be the best place to apply to a doctoral program and be able to sell myself well enough to get in. If I want to go the Ethics route -- which recently, I've realized, I do, I really do. I like the applied ethics thing -- it's through a religion route or through a philosophy route, the latter definitely requiring another Masters degree. The former may or may not necessitate another Masters degree, though according to the University of Toronto, they do not equate an M.Div to an M.A. in Religion... so...

I'm not against a Masters, per se, but my inability to find decent work while pursuing this one makes me queasy to take on more debt. But what's the alternative? Granted, I don't have to figure it out this year - I can get this degree and see what's out there, but with the economic downturn and budgets shrinking, what, really, are my options? I'm not entirely sure. But I should probably focus on the problem at hand: finishing the Masters program I'm already in.

In other news, I am happily attending the local Lutheran church here in Denmark, WI. Ran into the new pastor and his wife at the local coffee shop a few weeks ago ago. Even though I've only talked to him three times and gone to his church twice, I feel like I've known him for a lot longer. The church seems familiar and welcoming and already other congregants greet me and pat the neighboring chair for me to sit down during coffee hour. Can't complain. I'm even scheduled to provide some baked goods for their fall festival and silent auction on October 9th. So in my late night contemplations, I thought about sending an email and asking him if we could chat one-on-one... but today when I pulled up his email address, I hesitated and second guessed myself. Too soon, I thought to myself, too pushy, too forward. Which is nonsense, but there goes the old familiar emotional insecurities.

This day is crawling by - probably because I'm procrastinating my productivity. I should remedy that. Ta for now.